Man Father's Day is one of those holidays that hits different now that he's gone. Somethings will never be the same but his memory will always be within me and strengthen more and more every year. My journey throughout life with my dad was for sure a rocky one, the kind that you see in movies but I know that Allah placed it within my life because I was strong and could last the constant blows of thunder to my happiness.
One of my most fond childhood memory that I look back at often with my pops was when my brother was in the 1st grade. He went to get his tonsils removed and he had to stay in the hospital for complications for a week. My mom wouldn't leave my brothers side day and night. I was in kindergarten back then so I still had to go to school and could only visit the hospital on occasion. My dad stayed home with me, got me ready for school and dropped me off daily. That was the only week that I wore headbands and lopsided ponytails to school. Everyday he made me an egg and cheese burrito and on Saturday we woke up early and made french toast because my brother was coming home.
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My most fond adult memory that I have with him has to be when I was getting ready to go to Vegas for the first time as an adult. He helped me talk my mom into letting me go, he went shopping with me and sat with me while I packed my bag. We talked for hours that day and he jokingly told me that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas unless you get arrested...so in short don't get arrested. After my 4 day road trip in Vegas I made it home at 12:30 pm but he knew that I was coming home so he waited up for me and was outside when I got home to help me into the house. He then sat with me for an hour asking me all about my trip.
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My most heartfelt memory with my dad was when we found out that he needed to have his leg amputated. He was very hesitant and was scared because the chance of loosing his life was slim but still on the table. It was then that I had to put my sadness to the side and tell him if he doesn't try then he is giving up and he taught us that giving up was never an option. My dad decided to tell the doctors that I would from there on be in charge of all decisions because he wasn't thinking early. My choice to amputate his leg allowed him to live more years than he would not have without it.
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My funniest memory with my dad was when I graduated college the second time, my cousin Serena and I went with him to get his hair cut. When we got in the car after his cut she and I were talking about how cute the barber was and he stopped the car in the middle of the parking lot, he jumped out with a paper and a pen to go tell the barber that we thought he was cute and to get his number. We were in total stuck mode and couldn't stop laughing. When he got back in the car he told us remember that he's still hip. Which made us laugh even more.
My dad just like my mom instilled within us a dedication to all that we do. He taught us that working hard was important but also that you need to enjoy the efforts of your work. As kids we stayed at theme parks or family trips monthly. He had a passion of sports and he wanted to share that with us but coaching our childhood sports teams and working with the Raiders and Boosters to keep us at games and events all over the states.
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He taught us the importance of balance but to never forget that work is important. We stayed going with him to work and seeing what he did as well as helping around. My dad had a huge heart and always wanted to help people, when his staff would lose their homes he would let them spend a few weeks at the house or help them find their way. There was this one carpenter that came to his office to fix some things and he told my dad that he was down on his luck because he was severely burned on 85% of his body and people judged him for that so my dad found him other work and even had him do repairs on our home.
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My dads absence taught me to never depend on someone to the point of if they were to be gone that you would be helpless. It taught me that nothing can be picture perfect. It taught me the importance of faith. It taught me to love with my alp but to be ready to hurt. It taught me that it’s okay to hurt. It taught me the magnitude of strength that I have within. It taught me how to put a guard up with men but also to long for someone to love. It taught me that buildings with strong foundations are harder to break. It taught me that I am capable of being the bigger person and forgiving people.
I remember being in the 3rd grade and so many of my friends moving away because their families broke apart. I remember all of the neighborhood kids coming to our house for dinner and sleeping over just because they didn't want to go home. Walking into the classroom on the first day of school with a box full of supplies for my teacher. Getting the biggest prizes from fundraisers because dad would take our order forms to work and make up for sales from his own pocket. Or how in the 6th grade all the kids would come to our house parties and brag about my parents being the cool ones for allowing my brother to follow the DJ path and to have all of these kids over weekly. And feeling so blessed and happy that my family was together and we were fortunate enough to share wealth.
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But I also remember having to sale all of our things in LA, back up in a Tahoe and move to Hayward to live with my uncles 4 person family into their 1 bedroom apartment because when my day left we lost everything. We went from having everything to having nothing, life as we knew it was no more and it was a struggle to grasp the thought of it but with the grace of God we did and we overcame. I think what hurt the most was once we rebuilt ourselves that is when he came back and never apologized for throwing us into shambles and expected us to welcome him back in with open arms.
My father is the reason:
I am who I am
I love to listen to oldies
I am a die heart Raider fan
That I love sports
That I want to have my own family
That I love road trips
That I have a lot of memorable childhood memories
That I want to be the best me
That I’m so close to family
My dad would always bug me about when I would get married and have kids, stating that I would have them when he died. I would always push it under the carpet because I didn’t want to tell him:
I‘m too scared to love someone because they might leave me The way that you left mom and us.
I‘m too scared to go off and get married because what will happen to my mom. How do I tell someone that my mom will come live with us when I get married. Or how do I make sure that my mom doesn’t feel like she’s holding me back or feel alone when I get married. I can not leave her alone like he did. She will be with me until the end of time and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
But now I wish that I would have had the opportunity to do so as I look on at other girls being walked down the isle by their father and having their first dance. I think about how I have to explain who my father was to my future husband. I have to dig through photos to show my kids who grandpa was. It breaks my heart because not only my father is gone but 90% oh his family is too.
My dad broke my family for his own selfish reasons and I honestly hated him for it. Yes hate is a big word but in the moment I was taken from the top of the cliff to the depths of the bottom. The life that I currently live is a result of his choices in life. I would love to question where I would be right now if he had not left us for his own selfishness, however I must embrace my current placement in life and not dwell on the what it as the what has happend as developed me and made me into who I am today.
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Looking back at my past use of words I can say 100% I was wrong, I hated the predicament that we were placed in but I did not hate the man that did it to us because he is half of the reason that I am. In the moment you feel like you are going to crumble and not make it but I stand tall saying that though it was a struggle I made it and I am continue to add to our family legacy. I remember the look on my dads face as we drove to my college graduation and the look he had on his face the second time around, he was so proud and I know I was the reason why. The look on his face when I bought my second car, something that wouldn’t contin break down like the first. The look on his face when he heard me talk about work because he knew I picked the right profession. And I could keep going on.
I remember when my dad passed and before they came to get his body m, my brother and I spoke to his corpse one last time. I was crying asking for his love and forgiveness since we always butted heads but my brother insured me that he loved me. At his services I stood by his body the whole time because I couldn’t bare to leave his side, with crying eyes I read his eulogy. Afterwards I met many of his friends that I had not met and they commended me and told me that I was often the topic of his conversations. My dad always ranted and raved about me and little things like that helped strengthen me as though we bumped heads he was still proud of me and all that I had done. My father often bragged about how I took care of him and my mom and would express how strong I was for it because I could have just left and did my own thing.
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