I wrote this post within the first week of starting a blog and since
it has sat in my drafts because I was hesitant to post my truth,
not sure who is going to read and who is going to judge me on
my honesty, but as I seen it sitting and collecting dust I realized
that it changed me, it is my truth not a made up story.
We must live with what has happened to us, we live and we learn.
We never know who will learn from what we have been through
and if our voice will change the world. It is our silence that
keeps us in the role of a victim and that I will not allow
myself to be. Experiences like these also allow us
to see who is actually in our corner, because
people who love you would never question
your truth on matters like these.
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It all started off as a normal day, it was the Saturday before I started Freshman year. I woke up in the morning so happy and a bit nervous for high school since it was still my second year back in the Bay.
The night before I spoke to my aunt about her taking me to go get a hair cut this weekend so I would be ready for the first day of school. She said that if we couldn't fit it in on Saturday for sure Sunday would be the day.
At noon my cousin called our house phone to ask me what I had planned for the day and she told me that she wanted to go to an Indian Mela in Fremont but her mom said no. She said maybe if I came over and asked her mom would say yes because she had a soft spot for me. I told her I would walk to her house if my other aunt didn't take me to get a hair cut and she told me just to let her know.
I got dressed up in khaki pants, a teal polo, little stud earrings, black socks and I brushed my hair and clipped my front hairs with a black claw. I sat in the living room with my mom and we watched the news, I asked her if I didn't go get my hair cut was it okay for me to walk to Serena's house so we could ask her mom to take us to the Mela. My mom was fine with it but she just told be to be careful and to be dropped off at home if it was too late.
At 1:30 pm my aunt and uncle pulled up in their burgundy Toyota Camry, they called our house phone and told me to send out my mom so they could take her to work. I walked my mom to the door and seen them drive off. They didn't bring up taking me to get a haircut so I guess we would be going on Sunday. I went back into the house, called my cousin to tell her I would be walking over to her house and I put on my shell top white ADIDAS then headed for the door.
I began to walk to my cousins house, she lives about 10 blocks away. 2 blocks from my house I see a distant relative on his porch with his son, and 2 of his neighbors. He gives me the Islamic greeting and gives me some small talk. He asked where I was going and when I told him he asked if I would like a ride. I said no thank you I will manage as its only a few blocks away. He insisted again and I said no thank you and began to continue to walk.
When I got to the stop sign past his complex, he pulled up in his red family fan and told me to get in, he was going that way and he would drop me off. Feeling bad for saying no so many times I gave in and sat in the passenger seat. He confirmed on where she lived and began to drive, he asked why I was going there and I said just to hang out, my aunt and cousin called me over because I hadn't been over in a while. He asked how I liked Hayward, if I missed LA and if I was excited for high school along the way. When we approach the light prior to turning to my cousins house he got into the left lane so I questioned him and told him that he could just drop me here and I could walk the remaining block. He said he knew where they lived but he needed to make one quick stop before turning to the left. I was a bit confused but I didn't question him. Maybe he needed to grab gas or something.
The further we drove up Tennyson Road the more hesitant I got, confused on why he didn't just let me out. I told him, if you have to run errands its okay, I can just walk from here because they are expecting me. He once again told me not to worry that he would drop me off.
We began to drive up the hill and my nerves started to kick in, where is he taking me? I should have just walked. He seen me looking around and told me that everything was okay he just needed to make one stop. We pulled up to the booth to pay for parking at Garin Park, after he paid I asked him why we were here and he told me just to relax. I once again said I really shouldn't be here my cousin is expecting me and my mom would be upset. He told me not to worry, which made me worry.
He parked the car and began to tell me about his journey from Fiji and how his wife and he were separated. I told him that was non of my concern and that I just really wanted to leave since we were literally just parked here, he clearly had no errands or reasons to bring me here. He told me how pretty I was and that my boyfriends in high school would for sure be bringing me here to have fun. I told him that I was uncomfortable and really just wanted to be dropped off.
He began to drive back down the hill and his small talk continued, asking me about my hobbies, what I missed most about LA and how cultured I was for a mixed girl. We should have been turning right off of the hill but he began to turn left, I told him to just drop me off here and I would find a way back home, that I wouldn't tell anyone that he had picked me up. He began to laugh and just kept driving down Mission towards Fremont. My heart began to race, where is he taking me I thought to myself.
He started to ask me if I had a boyfriend and if I had sex before. I once again told him that I was uncomfortable and just really wanted to go home, I told him I don't even want to go to my cousins house. But he ignored me and kept digging into his own conversations.
What had I gotten into I kept asking myself. Mom is going to be so mad! We continued to drive block after block into the wrong direction and my heart continued to sink further and further into my chest. But was I overthinking I thought.
As we sat at the light to turn left into the road that leads to Sunol he took his right hand and ran it from my cheek to my left breast. I jumped and felt like I was going to die. "Do not touch me. I've had enough, if your not going to take me home just drop me off here", I said scared as I no longer knew where I was but anywhere was better than here. I looked to the right of me and I seen an old lady in the car besides me hoping that she would think something was wrong but then again and call the police or help me but I wasn’t kicking was screaming so how would she know that I didn’t belong here.
We turned into the road that leads to Sunol and that’s when he placed his hand on my lap I pushed his hand away and he put his hand back and told me don’t act like you don’t like a girl. "I don’t like it so don’t touch me", I told him. And he told me pretty soon I would like it and to trust him that everything was gonna be okay. I began to slowly sob and told him to not touch me, I didn't like it and it was inappropriate. He didn't listen, his hand went from on top my lap the inside of my thighs. I clinched my legs together and he told me I would be sorry if I didn't open my legs. I told him to stop touching me it wasn't right and he grabbed my wrist and said if you want to go home you'll listen.
He shoved his hand into the middle of my legs and began to caress my middle from the outside of my jeans. I began to sob even harder yelling at myself mentally for putting myself in this situation. Why was I so dumb, I should have just stayed home that day. Why didn't my aunt take me to get a hair cut or why couldn't my family had just stayed in LA.
He asked me if he was making me wet and told me that I was making him excited. I begged him to stop touching me and he told me to shut up and enjoy it. I began to say I just really want to go home, I just really want to go home and he yelled at me to shut up. I sobbed even more and just looked out of the window as if I were trying to look for someone or something to help me.
He kept saying I know you like it, you let these boys touch you but let me show you how a real man should touch you. I told him no one has ever touched me, it wasn't right and I didn't want him to touch me and I didn't want to be there with him, please just drop me off. He told me to shut up again and just take it because I was going to like it, this is what people do and he began to caress me harder. I repeated that I didn't like it and I just wanted to be anywhere but there. I began to sob more and started to pray to God in my head that we would just turn around and I could be back in the safety of my home as if it would erase the memory of this whole day.
He moved his hand from my inside of my thighs to my cheek, that is when he noticed that I was scared and sobbing. He told me everything was gonna be okay, he did not mean to scare me. I didn't say anything as everything that I was saying was falling on deaf ears. He told me to look at him and that I should trust him but I glued my gaze outside the window. He took the hand that was touching me and placed it inside of his pants.
A mile ahead he finally turned around, to head back out of the road that leads to Sunol and towards my cousins house. He continued to have small talk but I ignored him and sobbed the whole way while praying to God that we wouldn't make any more stops. I could feel his gaze piercing into me but I did not move my eyes off of the outside world.
He approached my cousins house he parked on the side of the road, I couldn't take off my seat belt and get out quick enough. When I reached for the door handle he locked to door and asked me how much he owed me for the fun that he had as he took his wallet out of his back pocket. I told him no thank you and he grabbed my wrist an told me that I should not tell anyone and if I did it would be big trouble. He handed me a post it and told me to call him when I wanted to have more fun and that this would not be the last time because he wasn't done with me. Once I heard the door unlock I reached for it and jumped out.
I threw the post it on the floor and ran towards the entrance to my cousins house. I dried my face and walked to her door, her grandmother let me in the house and asked me where I was, she yelled at me telling me that I had everyone scared for the past 3 hours. My aunt heard her speaking to me and ran over to me, grabbing me by the arm and yelling at me to tell her where I was but I had nothing to say. She took me to the living room and sat me down with 2 other aunts as they all yelled at me about the scene that I caused and that they were so scared that something happened to me.
My cousin came from her room and asked me where I had been and told me that my aunt who was supposed to take me for a haircut was looking for me and they thought that I had went to go see some boy or something. I asked my cousin if she can go with me to the room so I can tell her something and my aunt said okay.
We went to the room and I began to cry, she asked me what was gong on and I told her exactly what happened. She immediately ran to the front to get her mom, once her mom came to the room, she began to tell her what I told her and she asked me if it was the truth. I turned and looked at her with my teary eyes and told her that this family relative had picked me up and took me on a journey and touched me while he was supposed to be taking me to their house. She was speechless, she came to give me a hug and I jumped as I couldn't bare the thought of any other hands on me.
She questioned me what family relative it was, but that I did not know his name. I told her what he looked like and where he lived. I told her that just 2 weeks before I had met him when my mom and I were walking to her cousins house and that he offered us a ride so we took it. That my mom told me it was a distant uncle but I do not remember how. My aunt told me to stay with my cousin and went to call my other aunt that was suppose to be taking me for a haircut that day.
When my aunt and uncle came to my cousins house she ran into the room and grabbed me by the arm, yelling at me to tell her where I had gone. Telling me that they went back to my house after they had dropped my mom to work so they could take me to get a haircut and that I was not home. That they had been worried sick and stressing about where I had been. That they thought I went to go see some boy or that I had ran away. That they called my mom at work and she said that I should have been at Serena’s house but I was no where to be found. That I was giving everyone stress and putting them in a panic.
When she finally got all of her anger out she realized that I was crying and my cousin told her what had happened to me. She was speechless and just didn't understand. She screamed out for my uncle and he came into the room.
My uncle came into the room seeing that my cousin, my aunt and I all had tears in our eyes. He asked me Bunny what happend? And I told him the story and he asked questions to find exactly where I had been and to figure out who this distant relative was.
My aunts and uncle all piled into the living room to discuss what they should do, they decided that they needed to call the police because I was a minor and this man touched me inappropriately which wasn't right. I started to cry even harder and I tried to plead with them to not call the police and they didn’t understand why. I told my cousin that he said it would be bad for me if I told anyone and my uncle assured me that I was going to be safer if we called the police then if we didn’t. I agreed and we made the call, the police said they were on their way so my uncle went to get my mom from work and to catch her up on what had happend.
Two police officers, one black male and Hispanic woman came into my aunts house and asked to speak to me. I told them exactly what happened step by step and in the middle of the story my mom walked in, as soon as I seen her I jumped up from the couch and ran to her giving her the biggest embrace. She was sobbing and ran her hands thru my hair calling me her baby and that she couldn't believe this happend to me. She asked me what happend and the police officers interrupted before I could tell her. They asked if we could go to a quiet less crowded place, they suggested the police station and my uncle could tell I was uneasy so he suggested my house. I went with the officers and my aunt so I could give them a look at where he lived, where I lived and where he picked me up from.
When we got to my house the lady officer told the male officer that she would take it from here so she went inside with my mom, aunt and I. She asked my uncle to stay outside. She asked me again what happend, she asked about prior contact I had with him, she asked me to point to the places on my body where he touched. She asked me if he had touched me beneath my clothes. She took photos of me in my clothes and asked me to change my pants so she could take them with her in a bag marked evidence. She told us that I was not raped so I wouldn't have to go to the hospital but they may need the khakis for prints.
She told me that he was likely going to be let off the hook, that he wouldn't face any charges because it was my word against his but that she was going to try to do all that she could. She said there was a high chance that they would like me to get into contact with him in a sting to catch him if they couldn't get him to admit what he did and told my mom and aunt to coach me into it. Just the thought of being in the same room as him or to speak to him made my skin crawl. She said that these were all probabilities but for sure something to have on your brain to prepare yourself.
The police left and told us that they would be in contact with us. My mom and aunt took me to go take a shower and my uncle made tuna sandwiches. I wasn't hungry but they made me take a few bites and we sat on the couch in the living room talking. I was so tired that I laid in my moms lap and fell asleep as they talked about what had just happend.
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The next day the two officers from the day before came knocking on our door to tell us that he had admitted to what he had done and was facing charges for indecent assault against will of a minor but that he could bail out. And that he did, he was out within the next week.
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The next week our house phone was ringing non stop, people calling to ask what happend and if it was true. People saying that I was lying about what happend. People saying that I was a horrible girl and that I was dirty. People saying my family shouldn't have broken up and I would still be in LA so it would have never happened, like it was my fault. People saying that we had a long running affair. People saying that I begged him to take me to a house in the Fremont hills to have sex. People saying I had sex with him for money. People saying that I should lie say it was all a mistake because he was family. And just a few people asking if I was okay.
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Going to high school thankfully got my mind off of the situation until the end of the day when I realized that I had to walk home alone since my brother had football practice. For the first few days I walked the long way home so I could at least walk half way with my friends but the fear was in me while I had to walk my final few blocks home alone. My mom didn’t want me sitting around at the school for 3 hours after the end of the school day waiting for my brother so she spoke to my uncle. And for the next two weeks my uncle would pick me up from school and drop me off at home. But even I felt uneasy to be in the car with this man that helped raise me so I would sit in the backseat behind him with one hand on the door handle at all times. I would then lock myself in my room until my mom got home from work because I was even scared of being home alone, this man knew where I lived.
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When I spoke to my girl cousins after the whole ordeal they told me that he gave them weird vibes, that he tended to stand too close to them, wanted to be alone with them, would look at them weird and that he tried to touched a few of them too. But non of them felt the need to tell anyone because they wouldn't believe them.
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I told my mom not to tell my brother because I was embarrassed that I allowed that to happen to me, I thought he would say how was I not smart enough to avoid that but Serena’s brother brought it up to him at school later on that month and he came home mad that my mom didn't tell him. He said that having an older brother meant that I had a protector and that he could only protect me if I let him know things like this. For the next month of school my brother made sure someone walked home with me daily.
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My mom and brother decided it would be best to tell my estranged father and he was furious. He came to our house to visit and my skin crawled and I sat close to my mother on the couch as they spoke about what happend. They asked me if i was okay and I just looked off into the distance shaking my head yes, knowing inside that a piece of me had gone missing.
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I remember thinking that I should run away so my family wouldn't have to be ridiculed about what was being said and what happend but then I was scared to run into the wrong man and feel that feeling again. I thought about killing myself because every time I looked at my body I seen his hands on me and I was disgusted. But what help would that do? We were always raised that suicide caused more pain and confusion to your family when you are gone than actually the act of killing yourself. I thought about how much my mom needed me and that stopped me from ever acting it out. My real family had my back and well being at heart so I couldn't be selfish and look the other way, I appreciated them for loving me when I had self doubt.
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Since then my fear has settled but the memory will always be there. I have told my story a number of times, at first retelling my story was hard but as time went on I realized that on one side I wasn't alone and on the other its in my past and doesn't make or break me. As you tell a story and your truth you are able to breathe a little easier and let guards down and that is what I need so I don't dwell.
That is until a few years ago when I had a conversation with 2 of my cousins about random things and somehow it came to be the topic of discussion. The girls said they never heard about this and I was like probably because you guys were younger back then. So I gave them all the specifics and answered their questions but they still had more so when we got to their house.
Their mom and mine was at their house, the younger cousin asked her mom if she had heard about what had happend to me. Their mother said yes she heard about it but wasn't sure of the exact details. She brought up the fact that she was told I was in an affair with this man and my mom defended me against the stupid claim. She then went on to state how much of an amazing of man he was. And I automatically got defensive and said that he wasn't so amazing because he touches little girls and makes their lives miserable. We argued back and forth causing my body language to be drenched in a remembrance of what happend, tears were flying down my face. This reminded me of all of the people that would call and talk to my mom the weeks after the event occurred and how she would tell my aunt about the evil things people had to say about me when she thought I was asleep. My mom often told my aunt that it was her fault and one night I came out of the room, gave her a hug an told her it wasn't her fault and that I wasn't blaming her. My aunt finally looked down at me crying and shaking making her realize that this man really hurt me and has left me with mental scars that I can never forget. She then told me that he was a bad man but I just wanted to leave because if you cant believe my trauma and you have to question my truth I don't need to be here with you.
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My worst day has shaped me into who I am in both good ways and bad ways. In one area I for sure am very aware of my surroundings and who I make myself accessible to. I will never place myself in a situation that doesn't feel right or sit well with me. I will never trust you off top just because you are family. And on the other hand I am scared to be alone with men if I don’t know them or fully trust them. I take a while to trust, sometimes longer than others and touching is something that I am not easy to allow. It’s crazy that even a basic hug can be hard to give at times but it is. I try my best not to pull the victim card or to jump to haste judgment of people but I can't help but move at a turtle pace.
Who knows maybe if I wouldn't have went through this worst day of my life I might be married by now as I would trust men more. I wouldn't be one so quick to run away from flirting before it progresses to relationships because I would be comfortable enough with the physical and alone time that comes with that. I have always been one to run in fear of the what if and don't no man want no scary female that won’t even let them get a hello hug.
As of recently I have told myself that I will not be able to overcome if I do not deal with it. I am a survivor and I will not dwell on what has already happened to me and let it dictate the here after. Each day and year is a learning lesson and I feel that I have done just that.
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Speaking your truth is hard but its even harder to hold in the honesty of it!
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Hold your children a little closer and listen to them when they say they aren't feeling someones vibe!
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